I didn’t get good sleep last night, so I wake up today with scattered thoughts and the inability to pay attention. The suicidal thoughts are back. I almost went back to weed. Was talking with some guy online and was going to meet up for Blunts and Brunch until I realized I was rehabilitating.

People tend to downplay the effects of weed, or how it affects some people. I’ve been using it as a crutch for the last two months, hoping that it’ll help me feel something. Nothing in life feels worth it anymore.

I feel worthless to everyone. When I went to get James, happiness did return but I was living in fantasy. In my head again.

I don’t know what I’m looking for or what I want. I don’t know if I particularly want anything. I feel like the base of my existence is uprooted. So much so that I even started making a diss track called ‘Grounded’ both addressing my own inability to root myself in anything and telling someone that their behavior warrants repercussion.

I’m writing here because I want someone to see me. I started rapping seriously because I want someone to see me. I’m invisible here. A ghost. Not just in this department but on earth. I’m a ghost of myself.

I don’t know why I don’t relate to others. Why I sit behind this glass wall. Why I can’t penetrate. I have a headache. I want methylphenidate.

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