December 12, 2018

First, I’ll describe what false connection is, or what being superficially connected to a person is like. It’s addictive and intense. What you feel will be a connection to them will be merely a physical craving. Having to always be around them, wanting to spend all of your time with them, thinking about them incessantly, worrying about if they’re thinking of you. That’s what most of my relationships were founded upon – this perversion of connection. Something seemingly innocuous, but ultimately disingenuous and corrosive. It’s all-encompassing and endless. I would argue that most people experience this when they fall in love which is nothing more than lustful dopamine chase and dreaming.

What’s an *actual* connection? It’s an extension of yourself and your soul. It’s a reflection of who you are through someone else. It’s learning more about yourself through the life experience of another person. That’s at least one dimension of it. It’s not anxious or dependent and it’s not something that triggers fear. If anything, it’s the complete cessation of fear. It’s the confidence in the existence of another person that reveals to you that everything in life is fucking okay. That this earth isn’t Hell and that there is something metaphysical and beautiful that represents the divinity within humanity, maybe even beyond it.

Less abstractly, imagine that there is a person out there who can pick up on your emotions without being in your physical presence. Someone who communicates with you telepathically and subconsciously through a dream state when their hearts are burdened. That when you’re having a bad day, or when you feel an inexplicable negative mood, they feel it too and they will ask you about why you are hurting. All of this without even having to hear your voice either, because none of this is the interaction in the physical world that we know of.

Now, imagine what it’s like to physical meet with this person. Within the first 10 seconds of seeing them, you are almost literally floored, because their energetic field is so strong, that you’re hit immediately when you see them. Not only that, but you can’t speak properly for hours, because you are feeling some sort of magnetic convergence. You don’t even really need to speak, because words aren’t sufficient anyway (heh, i’m doing the best I can here but some things really can’t be explained).

This connection exists outside of yourself. It doesn’t feel like anything you can or want to contain, and it doesn’t even feel like something you want to covet or own. It’s not about containment at all. Simply them existing is enough for you and the thought of their mind or soul ceasing to exist is unfathomable, if not spiritually torturous. And it gets stronger over time, the connection doesn’t weaken or diminish. I mean going months without speaking and it’s still there, you are connected with them on every level possible.

Like I said, I don’t know how to find that, because I didn’t find it, it found me. And every time I’ve tried to run away from it, something brings me back, either my subconscious or theirs… who knows. And even if we were to never speak again, my life will never be the same. It’s the inexplicable feeling that someone in the world *gets it* and I’ll be damned if that connection would ever fade.

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