December 17, 2018

I’ve been waiting for this day. We’ve known each other for a year now. Hm. I fucked up my sleep and haven’t went to bed. It’s really affecting my mood so I’m hoping I can pile down some food and then go to sleep for the rest of the day. Something felt really bad yesterday and I’ve been sad missing him really bad. I don’t know how his OCD manifests or what triggers or disrupts it. I really miss him right now and I’m sad thinking about him. Nearly depressed actually. I have this feeling like he’s not around and we’re not connected to each other currently.

But he’s always around when I message him, so it can’t be that he’s not speaking to me. I just have this anxiety about initiating conversation as if he’s not in the mood for it and I’ll be pulling something out of him that he doesn’t want to deal with. So I’m keeping my distance until he’s ready to engage again. I just hate this separation that I feel from him. That he’s not giving me his attention and love and all that. It’s a desperate kind of feeling but I have to learn to get over it, I think.

I looked up flight tickets to Dublin. I didn’t know they were that cheap. I wanted to talk to him about it but I’m afraid that something won’t work out or that he doesn’t really want to see me, or that I want to see him too much and that I should just back off.

I wonder where these insecure feelings are coming from. We had a great time talking on the phone the other day. I guess from yesterday where he disappeared and then came back just to say goodnight. How can my feelings be so terribly hurt from that? Why would they be?

I just miss him. That’s it. I just really fucking miss him. I feel like I haven’t talked to him in forever. What a retarded notion.

Damn, but this is good. I always miss someone more when they’re away, which I think is good for us. Haha, I’m talking about distance while being long-distance. I’m really afraid to meet him in person again. But yesterday and recently with all the water weight dropping, I’m more confident in my body and my ability to heal myself.

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