January 22, 2019

I’m starting to get really annoyed with the fact that I want my child and her father to be here and they are. not. here. I’m living in some time in the future and I can see them together and us together but it’s not happened yet. When does it happen?

I want to be pregnant. Not even just that, but I want a child. I want someone to take care of, to teach, to hang out with. Someone to reveal what I know about the world, someone to learn the world with, someone to travel with, someone to teach mathematics to, someone to tickle, and cuddle.

I see a child as a best friend. I see my lover as my best friend. I want us to be together. I can’t stand not being with him, but I can’t stand not being with my daughter even more.

I’m scared because I can feel my body getting weaker in some ways. Recovery time takes a while and I have only really mitigated myself to walking. I’m scared that it’s going to take longer to recover if I wait longer.

I can see us walking side-by-side. I can see ALL of us, walking side by side. It’s like some switch went off and all I can think is “baby, baby, baby” and FUCK logic. Fuck rationality. Fuck every excuse people make not to have children out of fear.

I love you and I want to express that. I love our daughter. I don’t have a name for her yet. Eliza came to mind today. I like that name. But I may not even name her until I get to know her better. Giving her a name before I know her seems odd. I want it to fit.

I want to be pregnant. I cry about this at least once a day now. And I feel bad for wanting it so badly. And I feel worse because the father doesn’t share the same burning desire that I do. He doesn’t feel this urge in his being the way I do.

I want this child because it is our eternal bond. That’s our love right there. That’s how we’ll be linked forever.

I love you so much. I’m not afraid that I love you so much but I do feel restrained. That I’m holding back how much I love you both by not being with you and by not being pregnant with your child.

This is so… I don’t give a fuck if it’s irrational. I hope it is! I hate rationality.

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