I’m frustrated with the people here. No wonder I feel like a ghost, it’s because I’m treated like one.

But I also project what I want and get it back. The people I want to talk to, don’t really talk to me, will flat out ignore me and don’t collaborate with me.

Two people who actually work in PDEs don’t work with me, have no desire to help me get to their level and really would rather be alone in their own stupid fucking bubble.

I hate the competitive mindset. I understand wanting to achieve great things, and wanting to be great, but at the cost of withholding knowledge? Hiding behind ego and vanity? Why?

It’s okay if I’m good at something that doesn’t threaten your identity, but when my foot is in your court, you don’t wanna ball? Alright.

I just want someone to work with. Someone I can talk to and collaborate with. People I can learn from. I don’t feel like I have that here. It’s not really about me, per se. Everyone has their lives and stuff they want to do. But I reach out to people to work with them and continuously get shut down. For years it’s been this way. If people don’t think I’m odd or weird they assume I’m an idiot. I’ve had solutions that were correct ignored. I’m lonely most of the time and I’m forced to think on my own.

So I work alone which is fine, but I know people aren’t finding solutions that quickly. Not when I’m questioning them on the material and they don’t know what’s going on. Most people are cheating and getting away with it, because they care about their image. They care about passing core courses, passing quals… it’s always about passing.

“The prelim isn’t about creative solutions to problems, it’s about reciting a problem you’ve memorized because you’ve seen the solution before and find four of those on the exam to pass.”

What the fuck is academia.

Welcome to a Math PhD.

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