Somehow, I’ve internalized this feeling that I’ve lost.

I’m a loser. I’ve lost at life. I’m losing the Game of Life.

I have nothing to show academically, I have no made the impact that I wanted, and feel constantly stuck.

Every relationship I’ve had has ended, partly because of my own immaturity, and partly theirs. Either way, although lessons were learned, bonds were broken.

I’m only getting older, which means my attractiveness is decreasing and since I’m constantly fighting my health, I don’t see myself as attractive much at all anymore.

I’m scarred emotionally alongside physically.

My mental stamina is decreasing.

What I want out of life, society now actively demonizes. I just want to be a mother, home-school my children and take care of my family. Continue my writing and to be… creative. No more timed-pressure, no more fighting egos.

I messed up when I went down this path. I harbor no resentment towards my family, but the collective ideals of the women in my family have put me in this precarious situation, where I’m internally miserable, because of a path I followed that I shouldn’t have. Because I grew up in instability and violence.

I feel regret for my past. And this is truly the first time I’ve felt such regret. Like I’ve ruined my own life, and my prospects, and now I just feel close to death. Some part of me is dying again. I’ve lost the energy once more.

I’m fighting what I want, when I should have just given in to what I wanted in the first place.

What am I even fighting for. What’s the use of struggling this much? For what? To be undervalued, to be tired, to be homeless, to be depressed, to feel inadequate, to be isolated, to learn obscurities, to… what end must I suffer.

I lost the game of Life. I’m a product of the cycle my people continuously endure. I’m a loser.

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