I only keep my phone around because I want to keep him around. In some part of my mind, it makes me think he’s closer to me. I think this is probably why people become addicted to technology when their mind makes the association with another person. And because I’m looking for the reward of his message, something indicating that he’s there, I turn to my phone. And next thing I know, I’m looking for the hit anywhere, so I turn to social media (YouTube) because in my mind, one notification is as good as another, as long as I’m locked into that fantasy that he’s always connected to me.

This is why I don’t like long distance relationships. Or smart phones, to be honest. And I’m thinking I should just sell mine. I don’t want to have a smartphone anymore. There’s nothing entirely ‘smart’ about it. Or maybe the smart thing is that the phone zaps all the smartness from you. Either way, having it with me, always looking at it, constantly watching people on YouTube. It’s just a reminder that I want human connection. It’s not that I innately value YouTube. And I should have gotten rid of my phone when I had the chance. I only kept it for the camera, so I should continue to use it as that, I guess. This is why having a phone be an all-in-one is actually a shit idea. I need a camera and an alarm. That’s about it. And a way to call people. I don’t need anything else that a smartphone provides, and want to do away with it. I’m just sick of always looking for stimulation. I’m tired of being controlled by my impulses. By not being able to settle down and work. That my ability to hyper-focus is gone somewhere. I feel like my discipline wanes.

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