I become anti-social on stimulants and I guess it’s because people are no longer stimulating. When my mind is finally able to engage in the thought-experiments, ideas and concepts that I previously had problems paying attention to, the external world becomes incredibly boring in comparison, especially people.

Paul Erdos used a lot of stimulants to devote his life to his work and achievements, no family. No children, never married.

I think my life is supposed to be similar to his as I’m finally following his trajectory. Stimulants, devotion to work, no marriage, no kids.

I finally accepted when my current relationship ended that I’m not going to have kids and that I usually only entertain the idea when I want some sort of mental stimulation. If I’m sufficiently preoccupied with work, they won’t even cross my mind.

I thought it was part of the programming that if I didn’t want children, I was damaged or blue-pilled or something. Nope. There are people who are supposed to have them and people who aren’t.

I thought really hard about why it is I wanted that, and then realized it wasn’t a child I wanted, because I would always be thinking about raising my child to adulthood and teaching them all of them math I would continue to learn, so that they would learn, connect and explore better than I did, because I didn’t train enough in childhood. I wanted to make up for lost time through them, and then grow them to achieve what I believed I couldn’t.

Nope.

What I really wanted is companionship and an extrinsic motivator to keep my mind out of the darkness. I can go dark pretty easily if left to my own devices. But even those dark thoughts are a form of mental stimulation, because when I am sufficiently stimulated, thoughts like that don’t exist.

I’m determined, which means I don’t have a choice.

Everyone has something they are supposed to be doing, to help with humanity’s ascension out of this reality. If you look for God, you will find it. I thought I had a choice and that was why I was losing.


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