I donated the cello books to the local shop I rent from. I was sad about doing it. Usually throwing things away gives me a sense of power. Or I feel powerful and in control. But I just feel sad. Like I’m going through a series of break-ups over and over again. And maybe I am just acting out this scene I replay in my head, trying to finally rid myself of the grief.

I have on me, at any given time, this one bag, and it contains all that I will ever need to leave the country on the fly. I have all of my things with me at all times, to leave this place. I prepared for this when I started living on campus, and little by little I’ve removed everything I own physically.

If I want to leave this place, the first method is mentally, and I think I’m checking out little by little. I am on a search for mathematical refuge. Some place where I can study math with awesome people who match my intensity, and just do that. Day in and day out, until we discover something marvelous, and repeat the process until our physical bodies decay. I have no interest in publishing in lame journals to be read by no one. I’m not a reporter. I’m not a journalist. Or a propagandist.

Today has been melancholy, probably because my internals are wrecked from the episode last night. So I’ve been a bit down, but I’ve been studying reals all day, and have made progress, which I suppose is for the best. I was looking forward to class with Max today, but he won’t be in this week. Going to that class is the highlight of my days.

I sit in this room, dimly lit, reading and writing, waiting for the silence of 4am, where it’s peaceful and dead. It’s not that I don’t fit in here, it’s that I just don’t fit in anywhere. I don’t have much hope for me fitting in at another institution, and again am content with losing. Joon asked me where my home is today, and although I gave him an address, that place isn’t my home. I’m homeless, and I have no idea where my heart is.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.