Most of the administration in the math department has been pushing me to use accommodations so that I test in a different room with extended time on my test. For the past few years, I’ve written every test in mathematics high off my ass. I think it was probably anxiety, or me convincing myself that I would come up with more creative solutions if I smoke a bit before I test. It never ends well. And I can tell my thoughts are more chaotic just from tracking what I write sober vs what I write high in OneNote; the difference is startling actually. To the point where, reading what I write high actually makes me uncomfortable, because the thoughts are deranged. So, naturally, I was bombing exams because I wasn’t communicating properly.

Max insisted I get accommodations for the real analysis exam today. I told him that I didn’t want to be perceived as inadequate for using extended time and a different room, and I still believe that. But not because anyone else would deem me inadequate, but because I knew myself, that if I required more time, it’s because my preparation would be inadequate. It means that I don’t know the material well enough, if I have to resort to that. And I knew this deep down, and so that’s why I never filed with DRS to get extended help. Not only that, but it’s a pain in the ass. My fear of timed tests, my resistance to them, has kept me back a lot. On the Math subject GRE, I just filled in answers, because I was anxious and underprepared.

The problem with my scores on previous exams, is that I didn’t have the discipline/concertation to properly fucking study for the exams, so extended the time doesn’t do jack if I don’t know the material. I just sit there with a longer time differential, anxious out of my mind, because I couldn’t study and prepare.

Well, I studied as much as I could for the reals exam, and even still I knew I was underprepared, but I knew I was prepared enough not to fail, and I didn’t. I attempted and wrote all the problems, and completely solved 1. Sure, more time meant I could have solved the others eventually, and a definitely would have solved that cantor-function problem if I had more time, but ultimately, what am I to do? I don’t extend the time, I get faster. I learn the material better so that I improve. That’s all that can be done. No more accommodations.

At this rate, I will pass real analysis. This test may have made it so I don’t course pass, depending on the scaling, however. I will pass this class, and that’s what’s important. I no longer fear tests, and again I have medication to thank for that. So all the accommodations I need is really just stim me up. Sufficient stimulation and it seems I’m a good test-taker. I’m just through the roof right now, because I passed a test in analysis. Progress onward!

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