EGA1 was translated to English and I’m disappointed. I have these fantasies about secluding myself and studying mathematics the way Grothendieck did, but the only thing is I don’t know how I’m going to support myself. Then I selfishly fantasize about my husband being in academia while I stay at home like Rick and play Mad Mathematician in my mental experimental lab, pushing the boundaries of mathematical thought and invention.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when I complete this PhD. I don’t want to be an academic, and I very much don’t like noise of any kind. It’s gotten to the point where even being around other people talking irritates me to no end, so seclusion seems to be in my future. I like hearing trees, wind, rain and being in darkness.

I don’t know when I got to this point, and I’m not going to throw my hands up and say it’s depression. It’s just I really have no motivation to participate in this society. I don’t enjoy it and the older I get the more I become disengaged. I was born in the wrong century. It would have been nice to be around the times when the Internet didn’t exist. Human connection was much stronger back then, and I would already be in a relationship and settled with a person who wasn’t so weak and influenced by the demands of arbitrary people.

I said I was adjusting to being alone, and I believe that I am, but there are days like this where I want nothing more than to run away with him – this imaginary person I have in my head. This brilliant mathematician who sees the world the way I do, or at least in a complementary way, and we both renounce this existence and romantically develop theories on our own time.

As I have no desire to return to dating sites, and have been shying more and more away from social interaction of every sort, I can’t help but feel like my time with anyone in that capacity is hopeless, and that I am destined for ascetic singledom. I curse that I have these desires at all, and know that meditation and self-awareness will curb them eventually.

It takes time to fall out of love, even to fall out of love with the idea of falling in love at all.

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