After it ended, I was pushed back into this mindset that there is something inherently wrong with me, and that I’m unlovable. So I buckled down, decided it was time for me to dedicate all of my life to my work and demonstrate that I’m not trash.
Throughout the entirety of the relationship, I felt like I had something to prove, because I was with someone who was superficially judgmental and intolerant. It was a challenge to me, to demonstrate my worth, and to prove to myself that if I could get someone as fucked up as him to love me, then that means I’m worth something.
They say don’t shit where you eat. It isn’t just because it’s unsanitary, it’s because memories have a fucking stench. No matter how much you clean, no matter how much you sanitize, those memories linger, and you will rub yourself raw trying to rid yourself of them. I’m trying to rid myself of you; I hate you.
I fell in love with this piece of shit avoidant asshole. He said he wanted to go back to being friends: lies. Just more disrespectful bullshit. Why? Why even treat another person like this? It’s so incomprehensible, it’s retarded.
How could I have been so stupid?