Usually, I’m able to be friends with an ex. It may take a while, and we can reconcile our differences and whatever, but this time, I don’t think it’s happening. This realization has pushed me into a bit of a downswing today, and I’m spinning my wheels, but such is life.

You can’t be friends with an ex, if you’re still in love with them, and I think even after I do fall out of love, something will be there. I can feel it, that something will be there and that it’ll never be the same and it shouldn’t be.

Can you attend your ex’s wedding? Or imagine them intimate with someone else? Can you imagine them on a search for a life partner who isn’t you? Or imagine that they go through life without considering you at all? If you can do those things, you’re more detached, and probably can establish some sort of platonic ideal, congratulations. But for the rest of us unlucky lovers, the rest of us who fell in love… it just doesn’t happen like that.

Within the last 6 months I’ve lost two relationships. One of them really does want to be friends with me, and that is because he’s not in love with me, and we were pretending that we were in love like we were 10 years ago, but it was never the same after the fact. He wants to be friends and I don’t even like him as a person. But he is important and reminded me of many things, and he even got me to go back to school, when I was on the way to dropping out for the 3rd time and moving to Philadelphia. So I’ll always be grateful for the two months we spent together, though it was truly hell.

Then there was the other relationship, which. I can’t even really describe what I feel, because it isn’t active sadness, not like the way I’ve lost other relationships. It’s this mourning. I know we will never talk again, and there is no hope of reconciliation. It’s a death, in many ways. A lot of things died when that relationship ended, some are for the best.

I was able to be friends with everyone I’ve ever ended a relationship with, and realized on some level that we were all better off as friends to begin with, we just got our feelings mixed up, and acted on impulse. This time is different.

I had a nightmare last night, and woke up drenched in sweat, crying. It was the most vivid dream I’ve had in a long time, and I can still recall almost all of it right now. Do you know what it was about? Him falling in love and being with someone else.

I pray sometimes, that my feelings just go away, and that he’s not on my mind. I don’t listen to music anymore, I don’t do much of anything that reminds me of him, and I put my head full-force into math, hoping that I will just claw my way out of this mental prison.

I didn’t choose this. It’s not that I thought anything about our relationship was particularly special, and I don’t even see it as some sort of divine soulmate thing, but it just hurts on a more practical and realistic level, that this person, who I admire so much… is just not here, and will never be here, and is dead to me.

Mourning a death is hard. Genies can’t bring people back from the dead, and neither can I. So when this relationship ended, everything died. And sometimes that’s just… hard.

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