I’ve lived another lifeline today. I came to Princeton, resided in Fine Hall, talked to Hodge and Hilbert, and right now, as I lay in the dark, realize that even a PhD from one of the most prestigious mathematics departments isn’t enough.

Every place is just like every other place, people delude themselves into thinking otherwise.

I want to return to Seattle because it’s easier to, because the formation is familiar and because I know my way around. But of course, in any place newly introduced, there is an adjustment period.

What I enjoy about Princeton so far, is its silence. It is very quiet here, and there are enough chalkboards that I can study for days on end.

If I was in Seattle, I’d just be getting high and dissociating, so I know that it’s better I rehabilitate here. It’s just that I feel like all of existence is torturous. I decided to skip taking meds today, and realize I’m not further from being suicidal than I was before, I am just doped up so I don’t feel it.

Then there is this realization I’ll not only never be happy, but I’ll never not be miserable. And that fucking sucks.

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