All the shit I was telling myself, that I need to be stoic, that I need to kill my feelings, that I need to learn to be alone, that I need to focus on work, that I need drugs so that my only focus is on work…

All bullshit.

I was lying to myself, because I was afraid to admit what I wanted, and it’s not in any single direction. I want all of it. I want to do serious mathematics, I want to make meaningful contributions, I want the husband, I want the children.

I wanted to kill my wanting. I wanted my wanting to cease to exist. I would lay in a sauna and meditate hours a day, dissociating and attempting to brainwash myself.

So the last couple of months, I went back to focusing on math, telling myself that any human relationship would hold me back or keep me from pursuing what I want. That if I wanted to do great things, I had to be like Erdos, doped up on amphetamines, caffeine, living minimally and not having a family.

I don’t know if I want everything or if I want nothing, but right now I just want him. And he wants a family, and if you asked me in December, I would have said I wanted a family too. I’m scared. It’s not that I want love, it’s that I want to love. I want to fucking love the fuck out of someone and them receive it. I want to love someone. I want to love you.

Remember, amphetamines aren’t good for your heart.

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