I woke out of a dream, and thought about Jose and Krystal. I haven’t spoken to them in a while. In particular, I thought of Jose, and how I’ve somehow let him down or that I should consider Jose more when I think and do things, and that connecting myself to him stabilizes me.

I want to cry even thinking about it, because some part of the motivation is romantic. Through all my years of knowing Jose, I prided myself on never developing romantic feelings for him, or maybe more so that I was surprised that I didn’t, consider that’s how most of my intersex friendships start.

Jose and Krystal are a symbol. They represent the success, happiness and stability that all of us wanted to some extent, but wouldn’t be able to find. I’m wondering. I want to cry for some reasons. I do miss him, but I would be too ashamed for him to see me now.

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