“You’re not alone,” he said before hanging up the phone.

I guess it was supposed to be some form of reassurance, but ultimately, it was projection. I don’t need to be reminded that I’m not alone. I know it.

What I would have liked to hear from him, “I am with you.”

The implication is different. Him saying I’m not alone is abstract and vacuous. I have friends, family, and a black book with dozens of suitors. I know at any given point in time I’m not alone, and not only that, I can attract who I want.

But what is alone-ness then? Why *do* I have instances where I talk about being alone?

When I speak of being alone, which the average man can’t comprehend, I speak of an existential angst. A reminder that I think about and interact with reality on a plane of existence that most people do not. In that way, I am alone. And what I’m looking for, is someone who is connected to me in that way. A connection that goes beyond the physical world, because that’s easy to find, and ultimately meaningless because of its ease.

I’m looking for someone who sees the world that I do, who is attached and simultaneously detached. I only seem to find these men in philosophy books, decades or even centuries ago. So my hope in finding such a man, requires.

They exist. I’ve befriended such, but I want a connection that spans all dimensions.

People suck on average, I came to Princeton because I want someone who has ambition and not empty fucking ambition. Platitudes and all that bullshit.

Currency’s a current, see? Money’s a form of electricity. Then what’s a stimulus?

Defibrillation is a treatment for life-threatening cardiac dysrhythmias, specifically ventricular fibrillation (VF) and non-perfusing ventricular tachycardia (VT).[1][2] A defibrillator delivers a dose of electric current (often called a counter-shock) to the heart. Although not fully understood, this process depolarizes a large amount of the heart muscle, ending the dysrhythmia. Subsequently, the body’s natural pacemaker in the sinoatrial node of the heart is able to re-establish normal sinus rhythm.[3] A heart which is in asystole (flatline) cannot be restarted by a defibrillator, but would be treated by cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).

I woke out of a dream, and thought about Jose and Krystal. I haven’t spoken to them in a while. In particular, I thought of Jose, and how I’ve somehow let him down or that I should consider Jose more when I think and do things, and that connecting myself to him stabilizes me.

I want to cry even thinking about it, because some part of the motivation is romantic. Through all my years of knowing Jose, I prided myself on never developing romantic feelings for him, or maybe more so that I was surprised that I didn’t, consider that’s how most of my intersex friendships start.

Jose and Krystal are a symbol. They represent the success, happiness and stability that all of us wanted to some extent, but wouldn’t be able to find. I’m wondering. I want to cry for some reasons. I do miss him, but I would be too ashamed for him to see me now.